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[trinket1959]

It has been nearly two years since my husband told me he had found someone that he really loved. Quite a blow after 20 years together and since then he has been with half a dozen women because the "love of his life" decided not to leave her husband. I am still trying to figure out who I am. I was so used to doing what ever needed to be done for him and our business and our grown kids and their families that I didn't realize I had needs that never got addressed. Living with an alcoholic and keeping our noses above the waterline was a harder task than I realized. When we split, we split our company and I continued to run my business for 18 months...slowly sinking into the abyss of debt. I sold my company in june and I am happy not to be throwing good money after bad for the first time in 20 years. My problem now has become that I am not disiplined in anyway, and i feel guilty for not filling my time up with chores and exercise and and and...

I have recently quit smoking, just about 8 weeks now, and find that my energy level has plummetted further than it was when I was depressed about my marriage break-up. At first I rationalized that my body was likely in withdrawl and I accepted that to heal from my addiction I must let my body rest. I have to say I sleep better these days but nights are still inandated with frequent bathroom visits an on occaision paranoia of being alone. I am a writer so I spend a lot of time in front of a computer screen with my over exaggerated imagination-thus the paranoia thing, but as of late I am thinking that I need a purpose to be out amonst people on a regular basis. I have decided that I am going to start going to the swimming pool every day as it takes me away from the solitude of my environment for a reality check on what is going on around me. I live 20 miles from the pool and banking, shopping etc. and I do not have many friends that live close to me, and those friends I do have are not the type of people to get up at "stupid o'clock" to visit and have a cup of coffee with me. I am a morning person, and most days I get up between 6 and 7am. There is a swim time perfect for me at that hour and that is what I think I'll opt for so my day is not split in half with the drive. I have been thinking of getting a motorcycle again, an activity I used to enjoy before my husband got drunk and nearly killed himself once...that kind of ended my days on a motorcycle as there is no way he would have riden behind me(as the licenced driver).

I have also applied for a very wonderful and demanding position of employment about 40 minutes from where I live. I would be gone everyday and all my outside business could be dealt with from Monday to Friday, including the swimming and banking and shopping. I think this would make my home time much more appealing as I would still have the chores and time to write is never out of reach...but there would be schedules and structure. I think that is what I am struggling with; the lack of structure and purpose in my life right now. If anyone has any advise they would like to share with me I am all ears. I never thought at this stage in my life i would be learning to be me and tend to the things in life that make me a happier, better person...but hey, here I am.

[ontariogirl1960]

I am in the same boat as you Just can't seem to find a purpose. I moved out to the country with a guy and I ended up out here on my own. I love the country but it is lonely and everything including my children are so far away. I am trying to sell my house and move closer but of course the house is not selling. I need to find things in life to take up my time. I think you have done the right thing going back to work and getting out swimming it will be very good for you. I am going to go back to work too. Maybe keeping busy that way will give you some sort of focus and routine that you are missing. But believe me I am going through the same thing as you ...just trying to find out who I am and be happy with that.

[trinket1959]

Hang in there ontariogirl1960. It is hard to move forward when the past still haunts us and has a presence in our hearts. It seems when we are wounded by a relationship it takies longer to heal than if we made the choice ourselves. I am struggling right now with what my purpose is to be now since my mom passed away on the 3rd of August. I was her only child in this province so I was in to visit her at least once a week. I am feeling very lost right now and I know how much work is ahead of me in dispersing her things, what little she had. I can't bring myself to do that yet. I wrote her obituary and her eulogy, which I delivered myself at her service. I am back home all alone again and all my siblings have returned to their lives again...I am hoping I can get back to some semblance of life for myself soon. I didn't realize how much I needed my mom in my life until she was gone, and now I feel more alone than ever. Time is a great healer I know, but I am impatient for this hurt to go away.

[Amazonite]

trinket1959 and ontariogirl1960; you have voiced all my struggles. I felt defined by my job for over 25 years until I got ill. I moved home from London and very shortly felt completely naked. Who am I? What am I without a job. Social occasions became a nightmare because of the typical 'what do you do'?. May I suggest an author by the name of Sue Stone. She published a book about 6 months ago entitiled Love Life, Live Life. Her website is www.suestone.com. Her book has given me hope and belief in myself. Her true story and where she is today gives me heart. I know it will take time, I still try to control my life and it's direction but find I am at a loss as to what I should be doing anyway. It really is a time for me to look for opportunities and hope I recognise them and go for it. Fear is my biggest enemy. Thank you both for sharing and good luck for the future.

[Minskore]

I know exactly what you ladies are talking about. I've been there. And I've come out on the other side. I understand all too well what you're feeling, thinking, and the sense of discontent and the feeling of being lost and not knowing what's missing or how to fill the empty spot. If any of you ever need to talk, I'm more than happy to share my experience with you and tell you what I went through, how I came out on the other side and what it took to get here. If any of you are in the Toronto area please feel to contact me and lets meet for coffee and swap stories and share ideas, etc.

[LuckyLucy]

Hi. I'm new to this site. Still looking for love but more importantly self-love. I left the marriage years ago and my children are all grown. I have been on my own for many many years but I still struggle with feeling good about myself...like feeling I have something to offer a relationship. One one hand, I know that I do. On the other hand, I fell more self conscious and reserved than ever. One of my biggest fears, which I think many people have, is that if someone gets to know me well enough they won't like me....CRAZY. It's also difficult to know and understand what my purpose is. I've learned the hard way not to let what you do define who you are. I'm in a big city and I try to get out but I find it difficult to go to events on my own. I still try to take small steps but I could very easily isolate myself - which makes it worse. I am hoping with the nicer weather, I will find excuses to be out and about. I think I just need to learn how to enjoy life and stop worrying or analyzing things so much. Life is too short to sit ruminating about the things we can't change. I've identified a pattern - I have been running most of my life. I realize now that I was running away from myself. Wherever we are, I truly think that it's good to take time with yourself to work through these things or they will always affect our behaviour, the choices we make and quality of life. That's what I am trying to do now. And hopefully by working though it, I will learn to love myself.