I'm trying so hard to find the cheer. When my kids were little Christmas was fun even if we didn't seem to have enough money. Some years were better than others. After divorce Christmas just never seemed the same again. On top of that I had my appendix burst (and left it in for five days) and had it removed on Christmas Eve (about six years ago) and then three years ago I was diagnosed with stage 4 lymphoma. You'd think I'd be grateful. I am of course. Every day. But I'm always feeling that I'll never be good enough when Christmas comes. I struggle financially. More so since the cancer. I'm working full time and manage most of the time but for extras, well there's never any. And so hearing people talk about their winter vacation, where they're going for Christmas, what they're doing. I feel very alone. I have lots of wonderful family. Who all have so much money. And a husband or wife. And a nice home. And they're two years from retirement. I'm feeling sad. It must be Christmas. Normally I can keep busy with working or volunteering or visiting friends. But invariably at New Year's I am alone. I'm not a downer in real life. I always have a smile and make people laugh. But inside I wonder is this it. Work, clean, cook, watch some tv. Now and then go out with a friend. None of it has any meaning. I work to live.
I've studied and read and done workshops and more on the Law of Attraction. What you put out is what you receive. It can't be true because for so many years I have done it all. Volunteering (with no goal in mind except to be helpful), doing reiki and massage and other jobs that are considered nurturing and caring. I go out of my way to do things for people because it's my nature. Pay it forward. And yet. I am in this hole. The vortex where the Universe is creating something better, I tell myself. But I'm tired. And alone. If you read this I'm sorry. I am just having Christmas blues. I'll kick myself tomorrow and get back at it.
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