I could tell it was a monopoly board from the word go. ......... :D
An old man arrived at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter opened the gates, inviting him in, but the old man refused, explaining that he was looking for his son. "Distinguishing marks?" asked St Peter. "Yes," replied the old man. "He has holes in his hands and holes in his feet." St. Peter stroked his chin thoughtfully and said, "Well, there is someone like that here." He called Jesus over the the Pearly Gates and explained the situation. Jesus examined his hands and feet and asked the old man, "How can you be my father?" The old man threw his arms around Jesus and cried, "I've found you at last - Pinocchio!"
Velcro is a rip off
nostalgia is making a comeback

joke about deja vu? heard it before
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You should never start a conversation with Pi. It’ll just go on and on forever.
I bought a chicken to make sandwiches, but all it did was poop on my floor.
A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.
Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up a month ago on the M8.
You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but...... something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the crash, and we were unable to find it.'
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, 'You've got £9000 in insurance compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact!
But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap.. It's £1000 an inch.'
The man perks up at this.
'So,' the doctor says, 'it's for you to decide how many inches you want'.
But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.'
The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day.
'So,' says the doctor, 'have you spoken with your wife?'
'I have,' says the man.
'And has she helped you in making the decision?'
'She has,' says the man.
'And what is it?' asks the doctor.
'We're getting a new kitchen.'
Did you hear about the butcher who backed into his meat grinder?

He got a little behind in his work.
The waitress asked the gentleman how did he find his steak? He replied, "easy, it was right beside the potatoes."
What is this fly doing in my soup, I demanded. The waiter replied, The breast-stroke, Sir.
Never trust atoms; they make up everything.
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A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.