Trust

How do you learn to trust again after a breakup?
I was married for 9 years, had 3 children. He started having internet flings, and actually invited one woman to our home for a few days. They even had the nerve to play footsie with each other right in front of me. Anyway, after that, and some physical abuse, I took the 3 kids and left. Focused on myself and the kids for a few years, and eventually met someone and fell hard. He was amazing. We got along so well together, seemed like a perfect couple. We lived together for 12 years. I kicked him out this past January after I find out he had been seeing his ex-wife. He had been seeing her for over a year. All the time he's seeing her, he's telling me how much he hates her, and how much he loves me. I was so hurt that he cheated, and lied, and everything else that goes along with cheating.
Right now I have no desire to love anyone again. I don't want to be alone the rest of my life, but I don't want love. I feel like I will never trust anyone again. How do you trust again? I sure don't want to be hurt again and the easiest way seems to be to not let anyone close enough. I don't miss him, but I am very lonely and sad at times. Is this it?

Hi Wine2night

I doubt anyone can really answer your question.  It's the house of cards isn't it?  We think we are all snug and secure but a little gust of wind and it all comes tumbling down.  Rather than learn to trust again, maybe we just grow a little tougher and not so ready to trust.

I have been widening my circle of female friends and it's fun.  There are lots of people in your situation; Single and not sure how to build a new life.  You probably already have friends who might like to meet up for a drink, or lunch, or even just a walk and a chat.  Maybe you have some hobbies and can find a club nearby so you can meet new friends?  
 
 
 
  
  

Hi wine2night

First of all, I sympathize with your situation and can relate wholeheartedly on the 'trust' issue, although my own situation played out a bit differently. It wasn't cheating in my circumstance, but after 12 years of marriage (together 15), she left in the middle of the night without a single word. She was from Europe and I am in the US, so obviously it was planned.

We had talked about her being homesick for a year or so, but never in my wildest dreams could I imagine that she could, and would, do such a thing. We were extremely close, we worked side by side for over a decade, and were basically together 24 hours a day.

I'm not here to tell my own story in your thread, but rather wanted to jump in and let you know that your words describe a lot of what I was feeling at that time. It's been almost 4 years now and I'm certain that I've run the gamut on emotion; disbelief, sadness, devastation, anger, and whether I liked it or not at the time - acceptance.

All that said though, and really to the point of your post, she contacted me a couple of weeks later through an email -- and for the life of me -- I could not respond. I knew deep down in my heart I could never trust her again. I also knew deep down that I would me miserable living without trust in the relationship, especially considering how close we were.I restrained myself (one of the hardest things I've done), and I am positive that I am much better for it today.

I know those lonely days and nights you write about. I also know the feeling of not wanting to love again.I know that feeling of numbness, of being completely unsure about anything and everything.I probably could have jumped back into some sort of relationship right away (or with her, had I written her back), but my gut (and my heart) told me to stay still and let the feelings and emotions sweep over me and hopefully filter me out as a better person on the other side. As you know, it's impossible to erase a decade of your life, and sooner or later we simply have to deal with it.

But anyway, I'm not here to tell you it will get better, but it will. I'm not here to tell you that going through this sort of thing will make you a stronger person, but it will. I just want to offer my friendship and cheer you on to hang in there.

Hi Jazen84

Just to say how much I liked your post and I hope life is happier for you now. 

 
 

Hi Jazen84
Just to say how much I liked your post and I hope life is happier for you now.

Thank you, Lucy.

And yes, my life is much better now. In fact, I hardly recognize who I was in those first couple of years after she left, not to mention who I've become since I've been single, living on my own and dealing with life from an entirely new perspective.

I harbor no regrets for dealing with my situation as I did. Had I taken her back, there is no doubt in my mind that the roots of mistrust would have buried themselves so deeply that I could have never gone back to who I was in the relationship. I could never look at her the same way or even think of her in the same way. As much as I wanted to deny it, ultimately, that's how it would have played out. The very second I realized what she had done, I knew my life had changed forever. It was just a matter of surviving day to day knowing that somehow I would pull through it all.

I did, and here I am.

The only way I can answer wine2night's question "How do you trust again?" would obviously be from my own personal standpoint. I don't think I'd have a problem with learning to trust someone else, of course it has to be earned on both ends, but I'm certain I could never trust anyone that betrays me the first time -- one shot at truth, and the well runs dry. Perhaps that's harsh, but for me, that's the truth of it.

But these days, just give me some good food, a good book, and a warm pair of socks and I'm pretty much a happy guy. Oh, and maybe somebody to share the good food with ('cause ain't nobody gettin' my socks).

Good for you Jazen, your story is an inspiration not only for wine2night but me too, especially the socks thing - ain't nobody getting my socks from now on either!  
 

Roll of the dice !!!!!! Wth if people don't have a ounce of trust ,why are we here ???.Including our membership here You trust 50plus with your Info.JUST SAYING.

So because I gave 50Plus my height and age and likes that means I trust people? I don't have an ounce of trust, so yes, why AM I here? Took a lot for me to even post anything here. Makes me not want to bother now.

Hi wine2night

You had great advice from Jazen but you ignored it and only reacted to Mikie61.  

I don't think Mikie61's post was meant to be critical, I read it as he was saying you take a chance and you had enough trust (hope?) to join 50plus.  It is interesting that you replied that you don't have an ounce of trust but what about hope?  What did you hope for when you joined and posted?

 
 
 
 

My apologies, I have read Jazen's reply several times. I read it almost every time I log on, just trying to see that there is hope. But no, right now I have no hope for myself. I joined here mainly for the chatroom, not to find a partner.
My apologies to all, I'm not overly polite when I'm feeling down, and today has not been a good day. I appreciate everyone's responses.

No need for apologies wine2night.  It is just a conversation and I certainly didn't want you to feel that you had posted anything out of turn. 

I can totally understand how you are feeling.  I know it doesn't help much to say that life will get better.  I can only relate my experiences in life and I have found that we all end up doing the only thing we can.  We put one foot in front of the other and trudge on and one day, we find that life is getting better.  The hard bit though is the moving forward, leaving behind the hurt and anger.  Sadly, I don't think anyone can do that for you but you will find a way to move forward.

Hope tomorrow is a better day for you.
   

Breakups and Revenge


Revenge Your Ex

Each day hundreds of men and women seek revenge on their ex-mates for a
variety of reasons, usually because they got dumped or where cheated on.
Revenge comes in many ways. It typically starts by using social media to
vent, and then escalates from there. Now sites like "Get Revenge On Your Ex"
for a fee will help you get pay back or revenge.

So what is the best way to get revenge besides slashing her tires, posting
nude photos of her and so on.

The best way according to the web site Right Choices 101 is to live your
life well. This is true no matter who you are seeking revenge on. Coworkers,
past bosses, bad friends or ex-lovers. Put your energy into succeeding and
enjoying your life, not wasting your time, energy and resources on revenge
that can end up costing you much more. Plus, when you seek revenge, you send
them a massage that you have not gotten over the relationship. It's much
better to show you are indifferent and don't care.

According to Kenneth Agee of A Foreign Affair, a service that specializes in
helping men find young beautiful foreign women, "The best revenge is to date
or marry a women 10 years younger than your ex. This will piss her off to no
end. No woman ever wants to be replaced with a younger, more attractive
woman. Just like a man never likes to get replaced by a guy who is wealthier
or more successful.

I will never forget one of my first clients we took to Saint Petersburg,
Russia." says Agee, "The client told me that two days on our tour was better
than two years of therapy. Having hundreds of attractive women fighting over
you gets your ex out of your mind pretty quick.

I personally went through break up when my ex ran off with another man. But
a short time later, I met a new lady who was ten times better. I ran into
that man who stole my ex and I gave him a big thanks. In fact, I could not
thank him enough. He was stuck with an older nagging women, while I was now
with a young, beautiful, caring women. Plus, my ex had gained about 100
pounds. I don't look at that fellow as any kind of enemy but as the person
who saved me from my ex and years of suffering." This is the best a revenge
when you win without lowering yourself.

Other sites like "Get Over Her Now" give practical advice and tips for
getting over a past relationship.

Top Tips from Get Over Her Now:

Start making platonic relationships with as many women as possible, old,
young, skinny, fat, cute or ugly. This greatly helps you get back in the
game of socializing with the opposite sex. And it opens up lots
opportunities to meet their cute attractive friends in a more relaxed
environment. This also helps you build your game and confidence.

Improve yourself, start working out, get up early every day and exercise.

Buy new clothes. Dressing better makes you feel better and improves your
confidence.

Focus on work and getting a promotion or raise. Don't let a break up effect
your work negatively. Put that extra effort into work and it will pay off
with a better position and more money. This will also build your confidence
and help attract better quality women.

Any time you are depressed, improving yourself helps greatly. When you feel
depressed, don't sit and watch TV and then sleep-in late. Get out and do
something that will make you feel like you've accomplished something. Take a
class, go hiking, fix something you've been putting off.

Don't start drinking. Drinking will always have a negative impact on your
life. Don't drink while depressed or when you are trying to get over some
one. After all, drinking is for celebrating. So if you are not celebrating
something, don't drink. A quality women is not going to be attracted to
someone who drinks a lot or has a drinking problem.

Don't sleep in; sleeping late increases depression. Get up as early as you
can and go for a walk, take a hike, or go to the Gym. Research shows getting
up early and exercising can eliminate depression. You will have no game be
depressed.

Don't binge eat. If you start gaining weight, you will feel less self-worth
and lose your confidence. Confidence is a quality that women are extremely
attracted to.

Conclusion, the best revenge is when you improve your life so well that she
realizes she made a big mistake. And satisfaction comes when you meet
someone so much better, you are glad the ex is gone. After all, if you are
seeking revenge, how great could she really have been in the first place!

I didn't once mention the need for revenge. I am not out for revenge at all. I don't miss him, I don't want him back. That has nothing to do with trust. But thanks for your input, maybe it will help someone else.

Hi wine2night

First of all, I sympathize with your situation and can relate wholeheartedly on the 'trust' issue, although my own situation played out a bit differently. It wasn't cheating in my circumstance, but after 12 years of marriage (together 15), she left in the middle of the night without a single word. She was from Europe and I am in the US, so obviously it was planned.

We had talked about her being homesick for a year or so, but never in my wildest dreams could I imagine that she could, and would, do such a thing. We were extremely close, we worked side by side for over a decade, and were basically together 24 hours a day.

I'm not here to tell my own story in your thread, but rather wanted to jump in and let you know that your words describe a lot of what I was feeling at that time. It's been almost 4 years now and I'm certain that I've run the gamut on emotion; disbelief, sadness, devastation, anger, and whether I liked it or not at the time - acceptance.

All that said though, and really to the point of your post, she contacted me a couple of weeks later through an email -- and for the life of me -- I could not respond. I knew deep down in my heart I could never trust her again. I also knew deep down that I would me miserable living without trust in the relationship, especially considering how close we were.I restrained myself (one of the hardest things I've done), and I am positive that I am much better for it today.

I know those lonely days and nights you write about. I also know the feeling of not wanting to love again.I know that feeling of numbness, of being completely unsure about anything and everything.I probably could have jumped back into some sort of relationship right away (or with her, had I written her back), but my gut (and my heart) told me to stay still and let the feelings and emotions sweep over me and hopefully filter me out as a better person on the other side. As you know, it's impossible to erase a decade of your life, and sooner or later we simply have to deal with it.

But anyway, I'm not here to tell you it will get better, but it will. I'm not here to tell you that going through this sort of thing will make you a stronger person, but it will. I just want to offer my friendship and cheer you on to hang in there.

Tho this has been an old subject but am new herew and after reading this comments,am really impressed and must say this little post has added confident to me,,thank you once again

To truly love someone is to give them the power to destroy you. But trusting them not to.