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Many of us were brought up to believe that we should only have sex after getting to know someone well. Casual sex was often frowned upon. For women in particular, the notion of having sex right away has often been associated with a host of negative beliefs. Being “easy” might leave men with nothing left to “work” for. A woman who felt comfortable having sex on the first date might be seen as one who was more prone to cheat or sleep with others. Though most men haven’t endured quite the same judgments and stigmas, both genders may be left feeling uncertain regarding when to turn romantic relationships into sexual ones.
Perhaps you’ve gone on just one date and are feeling immensely attracted to your love interest. Maybe you’ve been speaking to someone online for months, and have only just gone on your first “real” date. Should you consider having sex now, or would it be better to wait? Here are some ideas and opinions worth considering!
Reasons to Do It
Sometimes, having sex on the first date can be a great way to jump-start a new relationship. It can be freeing, empowering, and exciting to express your own sexuality without holding back. You can also get an idea of whether or not you and your date are compatible in the bedroom. Though you and your love interest may be intellectually compatible, having radically different kinks and sexual interests may be a potential deal-breaker for one or both parties. By having sex early on, you can potentially deepen your connection. You just might pique your lover’s interest in you, too, increasing your chances of scoring a second date!
Though many people delay having sex, hoping to make the experience “something special” when it finally occurs, waiting can often, ironically, lead to a less enjoyable first time. By holding back, the expectations for having a mind-blowing experience can lead to increased feelings of self-consciousness and performance anxiety.
Women, in particular, may find themselves worrying about how men will view them if they have sex shortly after meeting. One 2013 survey found that 4 out of every 5 women believe that men will think less of them for having sex on a first date. In reality, 2 out of every 3 men said their opinions of such women wouldn’t change at all! A number of men surveyed talked about the wonderful relationships they built with women who they had slept with on the first date.
If someone judges you for having sex early on in your relationship, this person likely isn’t right for you, anyway! Some couples who have sex shortly after meeting ultimately get married; others may wait for months and then break up after finally “doing the deed.” In this day and age, moral judgments shouldn’t be a reason to avoid doing what feels right to you. Sleeping together may deepen your connection, or you might simply discover that a night of pleasure doesn’t equal long-term compatibility.
Reasons to Wait
Though there’s nothing wrong with having sex on the first date, there are a number of reasons many people choose to wait. To begin with, one date is often not enough time to truly get to know a person. Though you might have a good gut feeling, it is possible that you’re wrong. You want to know that you can trust this person. Are they truly free of STDs? When they say they’ll call you tomorrow, do they mean it? These things can be difficult to perceive after knowing someone for such a brief amount of time.
Communicating openly and honestly with others can be challenging, even in long-term relationships. After a first date, you and your love interest may simply not be comfortable enough communicating your wants and needs to ensure a safe and fulfilling sexual experience. Are you comfortable being assertive with this person? Are you simply having sex because you’re feeling pressured to meet his or her expectations? If there’s any doubt regarding these questions, consider saving sex for another time.
If your date has involved drinking, it may also be a good idea to wait until you’re sober to decide whether or not you should have sex. Though having sex while intoxicated isn’t inherently bad, doing so with someone new can lead to errors in communication. Things can become messy and unsafe, and one or both individuals may wake up with regrets in the morning. If you’ve had more than a drink or two, perhaps wait until the fog has cleared so that you and your love interest can make an informed, consensual decision.
It’s also fine to wait simply because you aren’t ready to have sex! If you’d feel bad about yourself for “putting out,” don’t feel like you need to do so! Perhaps you tend to become emotionally attached after sleeping with someone; if you’re not sure this encounter will lead to a long-term relationship, consider waiting until you feel that there’s a lasting connection between you and your partner.
Communication is crucial to determining whether or not you should have sex on the first date. Have you and your date both discussed the subject and enthusiastically expressed your consent? If so, go for it! If not, end the evening with a hug or a goodnight kiss!
What You Need to Discuss
Whether you choose to have sex on the first date or much later on, it is crucially important to communicate with your love interest. Protecting yourself both physically and emotionally is important. Though it’s hardly romantic, it is important to discuss whether or not you and your partner have been tested for sexually-transmitted diseases. You should also talk about what you’re seeking from this relationship. Are you both fine with having a casual sexual connection? Would you be fine never seeing one another again? If you have sex, are you expecting that you will be dating exclusively from now on? Do you both see this turning into a more serious relationship? By asking the right questions and making an informed choice, you can protect yourself from future harm.
Ultimately, if and when you choose to have sex with someone should depend on your gut instinct. Are you a person who is comfortable having a sexual experience with someone, even if it doesn’t lead to a long-term relationship? Perhaps you’re at a point in your life where you’re excited and willing to have safe sex with anyone of your choosing. On the other hand, maybe you’ve experienced enough casual sex in your life to know that you’d rather wait a few months before taking that step with someone new. The decision is yours! Be safe and follow your heart. You’ll be glad that you did.
Photo © Fotolia – Auteur : Kaspars Grinvalds