Should I Get Back Together with My Ex?

Should I Get Back Together with My Ex?

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At some point or another, most of us have contemplated getting back together with an ex. In many cases, we ultimately realize that we’re simply nostalgic, remembering the good times we’ve had with former lovers while neglecting to acknowledge the problems that caused these relationships to fail.


In some cases, however, getting back together with an ex might actually be a good idea. If both individuals have grown and changed, for instance, rekindling a romance could lead to a happy and healthy future relationship.


Is getting back together with your ex worthwhile, or should the past be left in the past? Consider the following factors before contacting your former flame.


Are you looking to get back together for the right reasons?


Before contacting your ex, it’s important to question your motivations for trying to rekindle your former relationship. Could you simply be lonely? Are you missing having someone else to rely on, emotionally, physically, or financially? Though these feelings are common after a breakup, they’re poor reasons for returning to a former relationship. If, on the other hand, you’ve dated around for a while and find that your ex still compares favorably to all of your recent encounters, reuniting with your former partner might not be a bad idea. If you find yourself missing the connection you had with your ex and can honestly say that the good in your former relationship far outweighed the bad, your past relationship might be worth reviving. 

Have you resolved, or can you resolve, the problems that led to your breakup?


You and your ex are exes for a reason. What were the major problems that caused you two to split up? Unless you and your ex both take responsibility for your past actions and show remorse for your mistakes, a renewed romance is unlikely to last. Some obstacles, such as trust issues, narcissism, and controlling or manipulative behavior may be particularly difficult to overcome. Such deep-seated problems can only be conquered through hard work and, in some cases, therapy. In other instances, however, people split up for less dire reasons. Sometimes, bad timing or distance may trigger a breakup. If this is the case, getting back together with an ex may require less contemplation. If you and your ex parted on friendly terms or for non-interpersonal reasons, reuniting may have a positive outcome.


Are you at a good place in your life for pursuing a relationship?


Whether you’re looking to get back together with your ex or commit to someone new, it is crucial to ask yourself whether or not you’re in the right place to pursue a serious romantic relationship. If you’ve recently gone through a breakup or experienced a major life change or trauma, you might not be in the right emotional place to embark on a new amorous journey. Even if you’ve healed from your past relationships and are at a good place in your life, it is important not to rush into things. If you’re sure you want to pursue things with your ex, take things slowly at first. Consider texting for a while and having a few conversations over coffee before making things official. If, after discussing things, both you and your ex feel you’re in the right place to renew your relationship, you may proceed.


Did your ex bring out the best in you?


Think back on how you used to act and feel in your former relationship. Were you a happy person around your ex, or did they make you jealous, pessimistic, or insecure? Did you find yourself blossoming into a better person around your former flame or falling back into negative patterns of behavior? Consider asking trusted friends and family members for their input regarding your ex and your past relationship. If those closest to you approve of you getting back together with your ex, chances are it’s a good idea.


Is your ex committed to making it work?


Though you might be excited by the prospect of reuniting with your former partner, they might not be as committed to reviving the relationship as you are. Does your ex seem only vaguely interested in reconciling? Is he or she still pursuing others on dating apps or in person? Are your interactions casual and friendly, rather than affectionate? It takes two dedicated individuals to make a relationship work, and fixing the problems of a former relationship may require even more effort. On-again, off-again relationships have been shown to be less satisfying than solid, enduring bonds. If your ex isn’t fully committed to reuniting with you, consider pursuing someone else instead.


Can you forgive and forget?


In the time in between your relationship with your ex and the present, it is likely that both of you pursued others. Can you be honest about what happened during the times in between your former relationship and the present day? Can you also be honest and accepting regarding the less-than-ideal circumstances that may have led to the deterioration of your relationship in the past? For a happy and healthy future relationship, both you and your ex must strive to forgive and forget as best you can. Though some issues might be difficult to overcome, holding grudges and remaining resentful are sure-fire ways to doom your future relationship before it’s even begun. Before getting back together with your ex, promise one another that you’ll leave the past in the past.



Ultimately, whether or not you should get back together with your ex depends upon the reasons for your breakup and the changes you have made since then. Have you resolved the conflicts that led to your split? If both you and your ex have taken responsibility for your past actions and are committed to making positive changes in the future, reuniting just might lead to a happy future relationship.



Photo: © pathdoc /

Editor, 12/06/2018